has got me holding on

Feeling a little better since I'm keeping some food down. I think my empty stomach was making my reflux really bad. In the morning I feel OK. I can usually eat something small and I'm good.

Then at night, it becomes hard to drink fluid and even swallow. I feel like if I get some fluid taken out I'll be too loose. This level was perfect until a couple weeks ago.

I'm 35 pounds away from being a normal BMI. I'm going to be mighty pissed if I have to get an unfill. I guess I'd just be happy not to have a slipped band. I don't want another surgery. My scars aren't bad, but I'm sure if they had to go back through them it would be. Plus, once you slip, you almost always slip again.

House on Mango Street is probably the best young adult fiction book in existence. The language is amazing. Yea, I know, I know, Catcher in the Rye.

Ok now I really need to see my surgeon. I am having reflux burping non stop and I swear I can feel my band lol. That's probably in my head but who knows. I just ate about a quarter cup of cream soup. Heaven.

I know this is going to start a shit storm of tests to see if I have a slip. I hope they try emptying a little fluid first. Or even an unfill.

400 calories a day feels like shit.

I'm loosing weight like crazy. May have something to do with the fact that I can't keep anything down. 100 calorie snack packs are my main sustenance but yesterday I only ate 2 of them. Meh I should go back on protein. But I love when my scale says 185 and my doctors always weighs me in at 5 pounds lighter. So I'm saying that I weigh 180 when I started at 270 on the dr.s scale. 90 pounds!

I'm kind of nervous that I have a band slip. It's either a band slip or I'm tight because my period has been almost a month late. Periods make your band tighter sometimes and I've had PMS symptoms for about a month until I got it earlier in the week. Hopefully after its over I wont be so tight.

Oh well, if it's a slip, revision surgery here I come. If that slips, Lap VSG here I come.

I wish my back wasn't always in excruciating pain. I'm getting massage therapy ASAP but my lower back is so tender when someone rubs it, it makes me nauseous.

I have fucking had just about enough.

Nothing ever fucking changes. Always excuses. Never progress.

Holy crap walmart "Great Value" cranberry "crystal lite" is the best thing I've ever tasted.

The Loss:
About 15 more pounds and I'll be down 100 pounds. Crazy. I feel like I haven't changed anything about my life, but I know I have. I eat so much less, but I still junk food way too much. I feel normal. Like this is just what I needed to be normal. I've been active my whole life. Played sports, swam in my pool and the beach near my house every day during the summer as a kid. Some people's bodies cannot handle a normal amount of calories. Plain and simple. Thank God for this tool that has helped my achieve that without feeling like I'm starving. I've lost 80 plus pounds twice before, but it was such a struggle. This has been easy. Just living my normal life and listening to my band.

The After:
Looking into this "smart lipo." It's done with a laser. I don't need any serious touch ups except my arms and lower abs. Lower abs are impossible for anyone. I think this laser crap would be right for me. Until then, cardio and reverse crunches like a mofo. I'm not doing anything until I sustain my goal of 150-160 for a few months. I can use some of my school loan money next fall because I still get financial aid because of my 3.89 GPA.

The Mental:
Also, people treat you so differently. People talk to me more. I make friends in classes. Before, every time I tried to be social I always felt like people judged me for being overweight. Maybe that's my own mentality, but it certainly can't account for everything. This life long battle has wrecked my self esteem. It shouldn't have. This is partially my mother's fault. I've always have had friends. I've had lovers, boyfriends, flings. I'll always have the same friends and hopefully make more. Would I really have made it any different?

But on another hand, loosing weight and feeling good about how you look gives you a glow and a happiness that attracts people to you. I remember this when I lost the 80 pounds in high school. I weighed probably 50 more pounds than most girls back then but I was in shape and I was HAPPY. I glowed. I think this will attract more people (for friendship and romance) than for someone who has been thin and attractive their whole life.


Didn't mean to reflect this much but it's nice before the gym to get myself reved up for the day.

<3

I have been in PMS limbo for the last two weeks. I hate it because I can't sleep but I'm tired. I always have migraines, I'll start bleeding and then stop. WTF. Just go already.

Ugh the older I get the more screwed my cycles become. I need to get back on birth control so I can get normal again and not feel so shitty.

I wish generic bc pills didn't make me have my period all the time. I literally have it non stop when I take anything but the Nuva Ring. Which is $35 a month.

Did I say that I want you?
Did I say that I need you?
If I didn't I'm a fool you see.

No one knows this more than me
As I come clean.

I hate my low self esteem complex. I can't deal. I just want to not talk to people even though I've done nothing that should make me feel this way. I'm so unsure. And I'm so completely sure that I'm worthless.


I need therapy.

Teetering close to the 180's. Had minute amounts of cake and didn't keep going with it, so that's good. I really need to learn the fine line between a small amount of junk food that will obviously satisfy me as apposed to stress or comfort binging.

I can't stand waitresses trying to push extra food on me and then questioning me on the small amount of food I eat. I don't want four fucking items, I want three. Yes, I only ate a little bit, thus I only ordered three.

Gym time.

Despite fat fucking it for the last couple of days due to stress, I have been able to keep working out which is working wonders on my figure.

I'm about 195 but I look 160 (started at 270). I'm fitting into clothes that I could only fit into when I got down to 180ish. My arms suck but my tummy is pretty flat. My waist is the best part, but my ass is still big although it's actually working OK with my figure. My boobs are still semi big but getting small. Hope I cap off at a B cup and they aren't crazy saggy but could use a tiny lift. I'd like to have my arms done, but it leaves a huge ugly scar that almost makes it not worth it.


Was at a size 24 pants before surgery, now I'm in a size 14 which is getting loose. I used to be in 2x to 3x top, now I'm in a medium. Saw my friend and co-worker from when I worked at Curves and she couldn't stop looking me up and down.

Hoping for no stalls and I'm about 40 from goal.

Things have been so sad around me lately. My neighbor (who's dad is my physician) well her boyfriend accidentally fell asleep on top of their four month old baby and killed it. And just yesterday a girl I knew and I know the father's family pretty well, she was killed in a car accident as well as her 5 month old daughter. So fucking sad. She was only 22.

I am a stress eater. And it shows. Getting back on track today.

Miss her already.

I'm a firm believer that the word love gets thrown around a lot. But my heart is breaking and I know that I love my dog. She has been the best for 12 years of my life. It hurts so incredibly much to see her just lay there and not be able to get up. I know this is inevitable but I still feel like I haven't had enough time to show her how much I love her. So hard.

Loosing a pet is the hardest thing ever. I'm heartbroken.

Ick. This past week has been the flu with constant vomiting, followed by band complications, followed by a half decent but tired xmas. Then went to Kentucky with no internet and severe boredom and a 12 hour drive. Then another 12 hour drive.

My dog is going downhill pretty fast and every time I see her I burst into tears. It's been a shitty couple of weeks.

If pants sizes were years I would be down a decade.

Must loose rest of the weight and stop being a FF (fat fuck).


I really want this A-hole get the store open at my work so I can be assistant manager. Cuz I have an associates, totally can manage this place which is really what we need. The owner is spread way too thin and that's why we suck.

YAYAYAY. I'm getting Lady Gaga's headphones for xmas from Dale. They are the most frivolous things ever, but they look freakin' sweet.

Got him a new mouse pad and a bunch of dress clothes for his new job, just need to get him one other little thing.

Then I just have to buy for Gabe,my mom, my dad and possibly my bro.

Wtf. I can't find Lady Gaga to download anywhere. I want curly pink hair.